Monday, July 16, 2012

Excruciating Vulnerability- The price of connection

I get calls, emails, texts, FB messages from moms just like me. Moms that love their children and want to see them happy and healthy. Moms who are worn out and down right exhausted. Moms that wonder if I have answers in how to address the behaviors I see.

The truth is I think I do. The truth is I have no idea. The truth is I'm not sure. The truth is I'm learning. AND.. The truth is... It's not what you think.

What I've learned over these past 7 years is that what it takes to love is connection. What it takes to connect is EXCRUCIATING VULNERABILITY.

I mean EXCRUCIATING!!! If I am not a little uncomfortable in the initial process then I'm not doing it right. If it's not challenging at first then I'm probably playing it safe.

Being vulnerable means laying it out there... Opening myself up.. Laying my heart on the table... Saying I love you first.... Being willing to love someone who might hurt me.

Truly connecting means my heart open for someone to see knowing full well it may get smashed to bits... Maybe smashed over and over and over and over aaaaand over.

Just this last weekend I opened up to my husband, my precious and loving husband of 14 years, about a vulnerable need and I cried from the difficulty and fear of laying myself out so raw.

Truly connecting with a child from a hard place I can almost guarantee some smashing will occur. It's not easy. It is what it requires.

So when you ask what you can do I just gotta get really real with you and say, this is what it takes. Jesus got real when He said that we would need to DIE to ourselves.

True love and connection is only available to those willing to be excruciatingly vulnerable.

The truth is that we are ASKING this from our adopted (and bio) children. We are saying to them, "You are safe. You should trust me and love me and be vulnerable to me." Yet have we mastered that ourselves? How can we lead our broken and battered little ones down a road we ourselves refuse to travel?

The road to connection is full of scary shadows. Will we walk it with our children?

Yet with this connection comes a type of joy unavailable in any other capacity. Those who are truly connected believe they are WORTHY of loving. We want our children to believe this... Do we?

Learning this connection is requiring me to have the courage to be imperfect.

It is requiring me to care for myself and believe I am worthy of that care so my love can overflow to others.

It is requiring me to let go of my guilt that I didn't know what I didn't know and my ideas of who I think I should be.

It's freeing me to love... To live... To be grateful... To BE.

Basically, it's making me better than I WANTED to be and I'm forever thankful for the divine shove.

So when you ask me if I can help the first thing I wonder is, "Are you ready to be excruciatingly vulnerable? Is it worth it to walk through the scary shadows?"

If you want behavior modification I'm not so good at that. If you want the hard road to reaching connection within yourself and with your children I'm overjoyed to walk that road as we both keep it real together.

And that is connection.

Hugs, Angel

PS This TED video is amazing and was very inspirational to me on excruciating vulnerability. It is well worth your time. :-)

1 comment:

Jen Sloniger said...

Amazing video from TEDx. Thanks very much for sharing!