Several weeks ago I went back and read the archives of my first blog started in 2005. That blog was written during a time I was being stretched so far beyond what I had ever imagined. As I read I realized so many of you may relate or even be facing that journey now. Maybe it's in adoption or maybe a totally different set of circumstances is stretching you into more than you ever wanted to be... I am going to dig through and post some of my favorites and hope they can minister to someone's heart inside the painful journey.
This post was written on our first visit to see Zoe who went by Mirna at the time. We had been waiting a couple of months since accepting her referral and I still had a very false hope that she would be home QUICKLY and that SOMEHOW I had some element of control in this. Ha.... silly girl.
December 30, 2005
If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat...
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him.
Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.
The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.
When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed....
This trip has been perfect with all it's ups and downs. I truly feel God's presence in our journey. At the same time my heart is aching. I feel as if it wants to jump out of my chest and stay here with her. I am torn in two and as I write this entry my tears keep flowing.
I have faced deep pain with my Kaitlyn. I have faced her as a newborn in the NICU and a 9 month old in major skull surgery. This is infinately more painful for me. I could hold Kailtyn as she went through these things. I could sing to her, tell her I would always be there. That's what mommies do right? Make it better.
Next week my precious Mirna will say goodbye to her birth mommy, maybe for the last time. Everyday she is faced with the intense grief and loss. I can't be here to hold her through it. I can't whisper to her every single day 100 times, "I love you, you're safe now, no more danger, I'm here now." How do I leave her???
The only way I can do it and not lose my mind is faith. Faith much bigger than I've ever had before. Most of us who are of the Christian faith say we believe that God is in control. We say we believe that He is who watches over our children. Yet we don't usually have to heavily test that theory until they are teenagers and pulling away themselves. Even then it's a slow process. There is still the illusion of control in some respects.
So here I am in Guatemala giving up my illusions. I'm about to get on a plane and leave a little girl I have fallen in love with. A little girl who is starting to trust me. I have to tell her," I don't know when we get to bring you home sweet Mirna. I pray every single day it is soon. I will come visit you again as soon as I can. " I can only do that by looking at God's faithfulness.
I feel God whispering to me, "Trust me Angel. Get out of the boat. I know it's stormy but don't look at the waves. Look at me. You can walk on this water."
I feel like yelling back, "God YOU CAN STOP THIS STORM! Make it stop please!! Please just let her come home with me. I want to walk on water I just don't want it to be so scary."
God says to me, "The storm is what makes people get out of the boat. It's why you look to me and cry out for help. It's why you'll take my hand and look into my eyes and TRUST ME!! Do you trust me Angel? Either I'm in control of this storm or I'm not. It's time to decide whether you will look to the waves or look at Me."
As I am pondering what God is asking me to do I remember a lesson He taught me during Kailtlyn's surgery. It was the most heartwrenching moment I had faced up until that moment. I thought to myself, "How can I hand her over to this doctor and let him hurt her? She won't understand... She'll wonder why I'm letting it happen. Even as the thought entered my mind I knew the answer. I would do ANYTHING to make her better, even if it hurt her. My deep love for Kaitlyn forced me to allow her pain so that she could be better.
This is what God does for you and me. He allows us pain and we wonder WHY would He do this if He loves us the way He says He does. He allows us surgery in a spiritual sense. I know He cries as we cry. He holds us and whispers in our ear a hundred times, "I love you, I'm here, don't worry I'm holding you. There's no more danger. I just want you to get better and stronger. Just TRUST ME..."
I will get out of this boat. I will look to God today and not the waves. I will have to do it every single day. I will trust that God is there holding my hand and more importantly holding my little girl. I will know in my heart that this storm around me is there to help me grow. To save a little girl in Guatemala. GOD WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SAVE HER. Even if that means pain.
Looking back on many of my difficult moments in life I know that they were the biggest leaps of faith I had made at that time. I feel as if I'm in training. When I was younger the water was pretty calm and God said, "TRUST ME." Over the years the waves keep getting bigger and bigger. Yet I'm still supposed to get out and walk. To sleep through the storm. As we pass through these storms and word spreads God recieves the glory and many are healed....
34When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.
4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds — his name is the LORD— and rejoice before him.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
Thank you for letting me share my heart. I'll do more of an update tonight. She is doing just great!