I share this story with Zoe's permission. I always ask my older girls before I share their personal situations. Zoe told me she wants parents of older adoptive children to know that many of their children might feel like this inside.
You see our sweet Zoe, who came to us at almost 8, has scars we can't see. She's been home more than 4 years now and many of those injuries are healing but there are still "phantom pains." Our Zoe struggles deeply with fear for very good reasons.
About 20 minutes ago my daughter Zoe and I were having a conversation that is actually pretty normal in our house.
She was bumming, "I have no music to listen to today." I asked. "What about your Ipod Touch?" She said, "There's no music on there." I replied, "OH NO! Bring it here. We can sync it up. What about your Pandora app?" Zoe said, "Well, I don't have the password to start it."
I said, "ZOE!! Are you telling me all this time you've had no music because you were afraid to ask me for a password?."
Zoe, "Nooooo.... Yeah."
I put in the password while telling her, " Zoe, you've got to trust me. I love you. I'm NOT going to get mad at you for asking me for help."
It took me like 20 seconds to set up her Pandora app and she got all excited and immediately picked her favorite Vanessa Hudgens channel. Up popped the first song and she immediately handed it to me. "See mom. Listen to this. This IS me.. It's my song."
I had never heard this song. or really listened to the words I suppose. As I did it brought tears to my eyes. It was indeed about my Zoe. I pray that one day this song means nothing but memories to her. For now it is her story in some ways. I am amazed that she knows herself well enough now to recognize her heart within the lyrics. I see that as a huge step in her healing.
Our adoptive children all handle fear differently and react in different ways. HOWEVER, on some level almost all of them feel this deep inside. We can ignore it because it hurts us to know it or because we are afraid ourselves. It doesn't mean it's not there. It doesn't make it vanish.
I encourage adoptive mommies, daddies, grandparents or friends to listen to this song and take it as a gift from Zoe. This is a look into the heart of an adopted child whose sharing her soul with you so you can love someone a little better today.