Friday, January 21, 2011


I share this story with Zoe's permission. I always ask my older girls before I share their personal situations. Zoe told me she wants parents of older adoptive children to know that many of their children might feel like this inside.

You see our sweet Zoe, who came to us at almost 8, has scars we can't see. She's been home more than 4 years now and many of those injuries are healing but there are still "phantom pains." Our Zoe struggles deeply with fear for very good reasons.

About 20 minutes ago my daughter Zoe and I were having a conversation that is actually pretty normal in our house.

She was bumming, "I have no music to listen to today." I asked. "What about your Ipod Touch?" She said, "There's no music on there." I replied, "OH NO! Bring it here. We can sync it up. What about your Pandora app?" Zoe said, "Well, I don't have the password to start it."

I said, "ZOE!! Are you telling me all this time you've had no music because you were afraid to ask me for a password?."

Zoe, "Nooooo.... Yeah."

I put in the password while telling her, " Zoe, you've got to trust me. I love you. I'm NOT going to get mad at you for asking me for help."

It took me like 20 seconds to set up her Pandora app and she got all excited and immediately picked her favorite Vanessa Hudgens channel. Up popped the first song and she immediately handed it to me. "See mom. Listen to this. This IS me.. It's my song."

I had never heard this song. or really listened to the words I suppose. As I did it brought tears to my eyes. It was indeed about my Zoe. I pray that one day this song means nothing but memories to her. For now it is her story in some ways. I am amazed that she knows herself well enough now to recognize her heart within the lyrics. I see that as a huge step in her healing.

Our adoptive children all handle fear differently and react in different ways. HOWEVER, on some level almost all of them feel this deep inside. We can ignore it because it hurts us to know it or because we are afraid ourselves. It doesn't mean it's not there. It doesn't make it vanish.

I encourage adoptive mommies, daddies, grandparents or friends to listen to this song and take it as a gift from Zoe. This is a look into the heart of an adopted child whose sharing her soul with you so you can love someone a little better today.

Afraid-Vanessa Hudgens

Just when it's getting good
I slowly start to freeze
Just when it's feeling real I put my heart to sleep
It's the memory I can see
Then this fear comes over me
Understand that I don't mean
To push you away from me

Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me

You got a way of easing me out of myself
I can't stay but I can't leave, I am my worst enemy
Please understand that its not you it's what I do
Just when I'm about to run I realize what I've become

Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me

Now I wonder what you think of me
Don't know why I break so easily
All my fears are armed surrounding me
I can't get no sleep
I keep runnin' in circles around you
Are you the trap I wanna fall into??

Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me

Hugs, Angel and Zoe


Tara said...

I could just squeeze that sweet girl of yours (and you, for that matter)! She is SO brave to share something so big. Thank you for sharing and thank Zoe for allowing you to share!

Our House of Five said...

Zoe, thank you for letting your mom share this. I have five children. Two are biological and three are adopted from china. My 8 1/2 year old hurts alot at times and she is never able to put into words what her heart feels-because of your beautiful heart and your willingness to share-I feel like I have listened to what my Addy is trying to express, but does not know how. These lyrics sound just like my Addy...I am going to put this song on her Mp3 player-I think they will help her. Tracy

Barry and Amy said...

Thank you Ms Zoe for being so brave and honesty and for letting your mom post this! We are about to bring home a little boy and it is priceless to how he may be feeling.

Thank you!

Reba said...

Thank you, Zoe...and Angel, for sharing. I am sitting here listening with big tears. I have a feeling this is a lot of what our six year old from Guatemala feels. Unfortunately, she still hasn't found the words to tell what she is feeling; even after four years, English/language is a stumbling block. This says it all.

Lindsey said...

Your daughter's strength is going to change the world by telling her story. Just reading this gave me HUGE insight into what my own daughter must be feeling at times. Thank you Zoe...thank you!

laura said...

Thank you, Zoe (and Angel), for sharing a little piece of your heart with all of us. You are a brave girl and you are oh-so-loved!

Misty McKibben-Melvin said...

It is amazing to me the power of Music on all levels, toddlers, teens, young adults and us mommies even! Something about the power of music and words are so very strong! THANK you for sharing...I myself have always been best at sharing through song lyrics! If you haven't read my blog lately, we are heavily into a program called "I am Second". This is a nationwide program and I encourage you to go to the site and see many of the testimonials. Also in my blog, you will see where I have spilled what has gone on the last year of my life and why "I am Second" has hit so close to home for me, I am not alone in what I have done, how I have handled things and my story over the last year. After much promoting and reading into this program, I learned that my husbands uncle, who is a businessman in our city was the one who presented and brought this program to Southern Indiana. Coincidence? I think not! Love you girl....and love those kiddos of yours!

Heather said...

Isn't amazing how lyrics to a song can describe how you feel? What an amazing story. I hope all her scars heal and she learns to really trust.

Holly said...

This is SO insightful.
Thank you Angel and Zoe.

Leah and Maya said...

Tell her a BIG thank you for letting you share. Although I lived in Guatemala with our daughter from 9 months until 17 months until we came home, it is still so helpful for parents of adopted children, there are those fears that we can't see and don't know to look for since most of us have not been int heir situation, and everyone deals differently with things. She is so brave to trust you with her feelings and for letting you share. thank you!

Wendy said...

I can hardly breathe, Thank you Zoe.

Nikki said...

This is beautiful.

We need to update your blog to include the whole fam!!

Livin' out loud said...

This is such great insight! Thank you Zoe!! Angel, I have had the exact conversation with our Gwen...she will take forever to ask for things..its been very hard to "see" inside her heart.

Anonymous said...

Love this.

Such a beautiful girl.