Thursday, April 10, 2008

Inadequate

I am surprised by it- shocked by how I feel about Africa. I expected something that never came. I don't know how to describe what I am saying here. I mean- yes there were parts that were hard. Angel likes her running water when she is barfing. More on that later. ;0) BUT overall I expected it to be harder on me.

Before I left I was well aware that something huge was coming in Africa. I knew I was saying yes to something. I had no idea what that something was. I was becoming REALLY concerned that God would ask me to adopt a child I felt unprepared to handle. Or maybe I would be paralyzed by the desperate situation. I didn't know what to expect. I walked away convinced that my calling to Africa had to do with something entirely different.


During our adoption of Zoe I felt completely overcome with the reality of extreme poverty. My eyes were opened to a world I didn't truly comprehend. Yes, I had seen poverty all my life. No... I had not seen extreme poverty. It's a different world altogether. My gift of compassion also makes it very challenging to see so much pain. It took me a year to come to grips with what my daughter and so many like her have faced.

When I went to Africa I wondered if it would hit me all over again. Would I cry nonstop? Would I be able to function? So when I was OK it was a surprise. Now when I say I was OK... I don't mean not caring. Each time I looked at a child on the street my heart was pulled. Yet it was different this time. Something has changed. Call me crazy but I look at them with hope that I can do something. That I am doing something. This is where my struggle comes in.

I have begun to really relate with poor little old Moses. I mean seriously-the guy gets a bad rap right? Here he is in front of a burning bush. Hind sight is 20/20 right? We can look at him and say, "How could he DOUBT that he was on the right road? He had a BURNING bush and rod that turned into a snake!" Poor little Moses.... he was probably sitting there thinking, "I have REALLY lost it now. I am hearing this BUSH TALKING TO ME!!!!"

I know how he feels. One minute I am walking through Ethiopia and I feel it. I meet Hanna and I KNOW that I am meeting her because she prayed for God's help. We are Christ's hands and feet and I was there to help her. I feel like I can DO THIS. Like I could really make a difference just like Hanna has through her faith.

Then just as suddenly I feel so very, very weak. Well, I always feel weak. That's the wrong word. I don't need to be strong. It's not me that does any of this. I feel inadequate. I feel like screaming, "God! You have the wrong girl! I'm not cut out for this."


I want to be significant. I want to be a world changer but I can't even seem to shake my jet lag. I am so exhausted that going to dessert with 2 friends tonight sounds like a huge undertaking. How am I going to march into Ethiopia and help Hanna save hundreds of street children?

One obedient step at a time I suppose. All the same- Moses- I get it. Are you SURE you have the right girl? Are you sure? Cause I just want to take a nap.

Hugs, Angel

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am SURE HE HAS THE RIGHT GIRL MY DEAREST ANGEL FACE! NO NO NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. I watched you as a 12 year old crying out to God for all the abused and neglected children in the world...."For this day you were born"
love
Momma

Nikki said...

Oh, Angel... I think everyone feels like this sometimes. I remember in the Dominican one day just not wanting to get out of bed. I had been there for a week- I was tired of the work, tired of the hotel food, tired of the feeling that nothing I did would change anything. Thankfully, that moment passed, but I think it happens to all of us at some point. Doesn't mean you're not going to be a world changer- you already are!

Carrie said...

Ah, Angel. I miss you, and I wish we could have had longer than a week. I LOVE your Hanna video. I saw it on Lynn's blog and just put it on mine - hope that's okay. You did an excellent job. First time I've cried since I've been back.

--Carrie in Washington
www.willinghearts.blogspot.com

ManyBlessings said...

Angel,
Your heart is amazing. I have watched you grow and change from Zoe all the way now to Egypt. God is working. And He's using you girlie. Your passion and your willingness are all He needs. Bless you. You absolutely inspire me.
d

Jill Coen said...

Hi Angel,
I have been to Hanna's on a missions trip last summer. There is a special girl there that I correspond with by mail. Could you email me some information about how to sponsor her? We are adopting from ET and should be there very soon. I would like to visit Hanna's again.
marshallandjill@hotmail.com
Thanks! Thanks for going and sharing!!
love in Christ,
jill

Anonymous said...

I'll will say this one thing Angel. After reading your blog for the past fews months, I KNOW you will figure it out! Just give yourself a little slack, some time time for physical and emotional rejuvenation. It will all come to you, when you least expect it. This I am sure, from reading your wise thoughts!
Sarah

Mandy said...

I read this quote once and its one of my favorites "We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee."

You are an inspiration for everyone who reads your blog. You are changing so many people's lives and you most likely aren't aware of most of them. You already are changing the world in a huge way. You are inspiring people to consider adoption, to open their eyes and hearts to those less fortunate, to consider a mission trip to a place they might not have considered, to get back to God and live a more Christian life. There are so many different things people take away from your blog. I'm just one of them. Thanks as always for your posts.

Ellie said...

Angel~

Your Question "Are you SURE you have the right girl?"

Answer: YES

Here is my thinking... And please slap me if I am wrong...

I read your post and; YOU want to change the world, YOU want to help, but feel inadequate...

Maybe you are the beginning of a Stepping Stone path, and you are the one that will be leading us to join you in your quests. We are all watching and learning from you. We all want to help but feel inadequate too... BUT, if we ALL stand together, and join you, the pressures you are feeling may lessen. So Angel my friend... Yes, Angel... YOUR NAME SAYS IT ALL...

I read this somewhere...You start building a good neighborhood when you yourself decide that you will be a good neighbor.....

Angel, you have your heighborhood growing...

HUGS
Ellie

Darlene said...

I am sure you are familiar with these verses, Angel! It seems to me that God is delighting in using you to bring Glory to His name!!

1 Corinthians 1:27
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

2 Corinthians 12:10
"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 13:9
"We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection."

I thank God for you, (and your weakness too!). God continues to use your humble heart; and you are blessing my life, for sure!
Darlene

Wendi said...

Amen and Amen!