Friday, September 21, 2007

Baby on the brain...

This is a 3-d sonogram of Kaitlyn long ago. It's kinda iffy quality since it was back in the day but amazing just the same. I was telling the girls about it and they wanted to see it. Give it a second cause it switches back and forth from black and white to 3-d.

We have all had baby on the brain for sure. I am alternately excited and terrified of adopting this next baby.

On days when someone is sick or extremely grouchy I think "What in the WORLD do we think we are doing?????" Our children are going to outnumber us. I am taking on a big increase in my work load and I can tell you from experience that the pay increase ain't that great!!!! :0)

Then there are days when I hold Will (my godson) and he will snuggle up with me. (cause we love each other like that) Then I remember the pay off is far deeper than money. Then I get excited.

Some days (like today) things are buzzing along. Russ is in the kitchen making his traditional gluten free chocolate chip waffles and raw honey with the girls.(in the shape of Mickey Mouse of course- I know it's not your traditional tradition but they ARE good! YUMMY!) I am sitting here blogging and thinking we should work out and swim today.

On days like today I feel a little torn. Most of me thinks WE CAN DO THIS! It's going to be so awesome. Another bundle of joy. That is what both of my girls are. They are precious and kind. They are funny and adorable. I definitely want more of that in my home.

Then I remember that I just got to sleep in till ten am. This is the first period of time in YEARS I could do that on a Saturday. Then I remember that I have been writing this blog uninterrupted for 20 minutes. AMAZING. When we go to the pool I actually get to swim a little. :0)

On our girls trip this was a major topic of conversation. I was pretty much begging for their insight. Holly and Wendi asked me all kinds of awesome, probing questions. They wanted to know how it would effect each member of the family.

Russ.... he is mostly ready I think. He will definitely feel the change but he seems really happy about it.

Kaitlyn... she is thrilled. She will be about 5 when it happens. She is almost not a baby at all. She is really ready to be a big sister.

Zoe.... she wants this with all her heart. I think this could be so healing for her. She didn't get to witness the memories we have of Kaitlyn. I know that makes her sad. Having a baby brother or sister from a tiny baby is so exciting to her. Another sibling who is adopted is exciting. Someone to love her unconditionally is exciting to her. Plus Zoe just adores babies. They are safe and precious.

Me.... I want a baby but I am selfish. That is truly what it comes down to right now. It means giving up my freedom. :0( I want the benefits and not the work. Hmmmmm.... doesn't work that way does it??? Hee hee..

I think it's time. I really think so. I just keep praying that I won't fight giving up this easy life I am quickly becoming accustomed to here! If I was already physically pregnant it would be a done deal. I would just adjust to it and know when it's coming. With adoption it's more ambiguous.

It's like my heart feels pregnant and I am mostly sure I want it that way. There's just that selfish part of me that kicks and screams that I won't get to float in the pool or eat a leisurely breakfast. Pathetic and shallow- yet sadly true.

I have this feeling that somewhere out there my baby is just about the size Kaitlyn is in this sonogram. She or he is a kicking little bundle of sweetness. I pray for this baby. I pray that his/her birth mother will be wise and loving. I pray that he will be safe and develop perfectly. I pray that the birth mother will be cared for and comforted.

When I see it that way- when I think that my baby is already out there it's easy to be overwhelmed with joy.



Tricia said...

Hey Angel!!

God ALWAYS gives His best to those that leave the choice to Him!

I am THRILLED and EXCITED for you & Russ and I CANNOT WAIT to see Zoe & Kaitlyn's new sidekick!

PRAYING for you as you wait and ponder,

TimandKim said...

I have some of those same doubts and fears. We are already logged in for baby #2. But I know that the pros outweigh the cons. And I also know there are so many babies out there that deserve a loving family as much as we would love to parent another child. So we carry on and wait until our arms are overflowing with love!

Farrah said...

Man Angel, How you brought tears to my eyes again. I have all the same feeling you do, And then when the little girl I babysit comes over and she starts crying and Madisyn puts her head down in front of her and pats her back, I break down and know this is the right decision for us.
Hopefully things work out for your family and for mine.

Reba said...

Oh, Angel, I can so identify. We had a five year old and a seven year old while we were waiting for Maria. I have to say, life was fairly easy. But we were so excited and eager to have her come home, that I don't think I truly thought about how different life would be. Of course, we brought her home as a toddler, so we skipped so much of the baby stuff. She already slept through the night. And she ended up getting out of diapers fairly quickly (considering). Yet it has not always been an easy journey. And life is SO much more difficult at times, as far as attention and assistance needed. Last night we went to a local football was not the same with a three year old who really could care less and thought it was fun to kick the person in front of her. In spite of all that, guess what? We are waiting for child number four...a baby boy (or at least he is right now). And life is going to get even more complicated. But I wouldn't change that for the world. (At least not yet :)

Candy said...

Oh girl I just jumped over that WALL of FEAR and we are moving on to number two...I am totally excited but still have those thoughts like oh My what if Jagger does not like to sleep in till 11am like Kya, what if he does not like to ride in the car like Kya, What if I never get to BLOG again, What if I never get a moment alone, all comes down to WHAT IF he never got to be our SON...I can live with all the rest I can't live with that!! Hugs

Melissa said...

Your honesty is so inspiring. You do such a great job of keeping it real.

Excited to see what the next journey brings!

Lucinda Naia said...

You said it perfectly here: If I was already physically pregnant it would be a done deal. I would just adjust to it and know when it's coming. With adoption it's more ambiguous.

When I was talking with my friend Leah, that was the exact thing I was saying. It is ambiguous.

Have you decided on where & I missed that post? Or are you still waiting to be sure about where?

I'm still certain that I want to adopt and uncertain how/when that will happen.

Angel said...

Hey there Lucinda. Here is the entry on our next adoption. It was awhile back

We are doing an infant African American adoption. We will start the process in January and may have a baby as early as April. WILD! :0)

Hugs! Angel

Jane-Jane said...

I know your shoes. When you wrote about if you were pregnant now....I had to smile cause I have had that feeling WAY to many times over the years.

Thanks for sharing!!!

Mandy said...

I have the same doubts and fears as you but then I remember that there are many many years after the kids are grown to sleep in and have me time. Then I will probably miss them and want them to be babies again, but that's what grandkids are for!! Go for it you can handle it and you aren't doing it all on your own your family is there to help and that's the best part of having older children is they are GREAT helpers.

Natalie C. said...

My family is praying for your family...Good Luck on this journey...we are all with you!

Donna said...

Hey Angel, I talked to you on the phone a year ago or so about the different options concerning adoption. You joined the transracial adoption Yahoo group from Houston. I've since moved to Colorado, so I'm not a part of the group anymore.

Anyway, I had twins in September, making us a family with six kids six and under. One of the greatest things about having more children is that it gives us the opportunity to die to self. Scripture never encourages us to be selfish with our time. Of course the problem is not "sleep" in itself or "fun" in itself - it's the focus on it.

The Lord can and does provide special pleasures in our lives that are exactly what we like to do and also what we would need. He gives them to us, and we can delight in them. Our thoughts, though, need to be resting on His ability to take care of us rather than having a mindset that we deserve a particular amount of sleep or free time or fun or that we can't function properly without it. With thoughts of self, we quickly become bitter and angry because what we think we need so often doesn't happen.

Your heart is adoption, and I wouldn't give a second thought to how your life will be impacted "negatively." It's all good. Less of us, more of Him.

I haven't slept in for seven years. Yes, I've had a few conversations with God about that here and there :) but for the most part it's not all bad. The key is to go to bed early! :)

Here's our family's picture blog if you want to check it out:

Take care, and I can't wait till you receive your next Gift from God!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog today. It meant the world to me.

Betsy said...

Aw, so sweet. Love your honesty.

Now go find your baby! You've had me on the fence for way too long now! (hee hee)