Monday, August 06, 2007

Looking back on a leap of faith..

I was looking back through the archives the other day- reading about our journey to bring Zoe home. When I read this entry I just wanted to share it with you.

Maybe you can relate as you think back on your own life. Maybe you are working up the courage to take your own leap of faith. I don't know. I just wanted to share my heart with you.

Here is a look back at my heart before "the change." :0) I learned a whole lot about faith and trust and way more than I wanted to learn about patience in the year following this post. I know you adoptive mommies are feeling me on THAT! Hee hee.

This was written on October 3rd of 2005. We accepted Zoe's referral on Nov 1st of 2005. Notice how I say "baby"in this post. HA HA! Boy did God have some tricks up His sleeve for us! I am so glad He did. I will never be the same. Here goes..

I'm feeling stressed....Overwhelmed.... tired.... leaps of faith can get exhausting. It's a funny thing though. It seems that the part right before you leap is the hardest.

So have you seen the Indiana Jones where he has to take the "Leap Of Faith"?

Okay I know some of you have heard me talk about this one before but come on I've been at this place quite a bit!

Several years back (as we were making the decision about whether we should go to MBA school) our pastor talked about faith. Believing in what you cannot see. He showed that clip of Indiana Jones. He has to cross an invisible bridge over a huge cavern.

He "knows" the bridge is there but he can't see it. He has to take that "leap of faith."It was a light bulb moment for me. I knew at that moment that we were supposed to take a leap of faith and go to MBA school.

Here I am again, years later in the same spot again for a different reason.Okay so here is the deal. Yesterday I talked to our wonderful case worker. She told me to expect a referral in the next month or two. WOW!!! YEAH!!! Amazing! Exciting! Thrilling!! RIGHT?????Yes, that was my first response too!! I'm SO PUMPED! Our little girl is going to be born soon. Things are flying. It's like a miracle in motion.

Then comes my second response....... (not so impressive and full of faith)When we get a referral we've got to come up with A LOT of money. A LOT!!! How are we going to do that?? Don't get me wrong. It's not like we haven't been saving, planning, strategizing. If you know my husband you know we have been.

It's just scary you know?

Passing out big train loads of money. Trusting God to have your back while you drain your savings to bring home your little girl from Guatemala.

I think most things worth doing in life are overwhelming. Don't you think? Kids?? No question! Moving to a new state or country? Yep! Taking a new job? Uh huh! It's all scary.

We take a plunge and learn as we go.I remember how badly Russ and I wanted to have a baby when I got pregnant with Kaitlyn. We were so excited. It happened the first month we tried and we were THRILLED.

Then I had this moment of STARK TERROR!! Are we ready for this?? Can we afford a baby? What are we doing? Of course Kaitlyn is the joy of our lives and I thank God daily that we took that scary plunge into parenthood. What would we have missed if we hadn't? I can't even fathom life without my little precious jewel.I know in my heart that my little Guatemalan Princess is worth that plunge too! I'm just getting so close to the leap!!! I get scared. She will be the next perfect decision, the next scary plunge into something worthwhile. Angel

So the rest of the story is that God provided EVERY penny we needed through all kinds of amazing people and crazy avenues. Of course we always had the money JUST when we needed it but never in advance. It came in ways that humbled me and made me feel vulnerable.

God brought us a dynamic 6 year old instead of a bouncing baby. I was simultaneously THRILLED and SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!

The adoption took twice as long as it should have. Every time we prayed for things to go a certain way they went the opposite way... at least that's how it seemed.

I went through the hardest year I have ever experienced.


Something deep inside of me that I didn't even know existed clicked. I am a different person than I used to be. My eyes began to truly open. I am so incredibly grateful.

I can say now- though I could not say it then- that I am TRULY grateful for every part of this process. EVERY PART! The hurt,the pain, the stark terror... it was all taking me somewhere beautiful.

I am so grateful that God does not just give me what I think I want. If I will listen and give myself over to that thing I know He's calling me to He gives me far more than I could ever picture for myself.

THAT is what my life is becoming. It's phenomenal. I can take no credit for any of it. It is all a gift. All I did was say YES to the whisper in my heart that said, "JUMP ANGEL! JUUUUUMMMPPP!!!" I jumped and I screamed the whole time.

Now when I look into the future the view is vastly changing. It's all much bigger and greater. I have seen God in action. I am taking bigger and bigger leaps all the time. Am I scared? UH YEAH! Sometimes I am. BUT not as scared as I was the time before because I have seen it now. I KNOW now.

Now I know that the struggle I had inside was the battle I faced last year. The adoption process didn't hurt me. The character change hurt. I am praying that the next time I need to jump I won't go kicking and screaming. I pray that the next time I will have so much more trust. Hopefully next time I won't struggle for a YEAR to learn the hard lesson. I hope the next jump will be a little easier to take but one thing I can tell you... when God says jump I WILL JUMP! I will always jump. I can never go back now. My eyes are opening.

Hugs, Angel


Krystal said...

I think I know just what you mean! It wasn't the adoption journey that taught me (well, that was part of it), but I have SEEN it, too, and there really is no going back! I am currently in the middle of a BIG JUMP, and each time the fear or anxiety starts to creep in, I just stop and think about what God has shown me over the past 2 years. . . and it is so easy to trust!

A Special Family said...

Do you know what I have found the mark of a good adopter is?

One who allows the process to change them, change their hearts, heads and desires. Opens them to difference races, ages and stages!

You embody all that my friend :)

Billie said...

amazing! your thoughts are soooo me! a friend led me to your blog. i am blessed after just a few posts! i think i may link your post from my blog. i want the people around me to see that i'm not the only one with these wild feelings. i don't have too many friends that have adopted, but my dream is to have many follow suit.

i sooo love what you said about God providing the money, but not before we need it. i've been told that time and time again. there are days i believe it and days i don't...but so far it has proven true....let's hope the next $20000 goes the same way.

thanks for sharing!