Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Self censoring

For some reason the tone of my blog changed a little this past 6 months. I've gone a little shallow with what I share. I haven't known exactly why but I have been censoring myself more. Maybe part of it is that the amount of people that read the blog has increased a lot. I think I feel more self conscious about it. I'm not saying that it's bad. It's flattering and really amazing that people care enough to read. It just feels more intimidating.

Also, since Zoe came home she has shared so many things with us about her life before. I am very careful about what I share. I don't want her to feel like I violated her trust or privacy. So I wait until she makes things public knowledge before sharing them as such. So there are those things I can't write about.

Then there is my deep fear of criticism. YES! I have issues. I am really working on this and it has improved. Last year my deep blogs were about this crazy inner struggle related to the adoption.

First off... I was so at the end of myself last year that I didn't give a flying FLIP what anybody thought about me. Plus mean people are less critical when you are miserable! It's the happy people they can't stand. :0) I have watched some of my great blogger friends get harassed and trolled for no particular reason. I don't know why people would read blogs they don't like. Why not just leave? What purpose does it serve to stick around and be abusive?

Truly I have not had a problem myself. I have the coolest blogger buddies in the world. BUT I always wonder what would happen if you all REALLY knew what I thought.

So I guess I have gotten scared to open my mouth about what is really going on in this heart and mind of mine. The truth is it's been HUGE! I feel like I am changing and growing at a crazy pace. Trouble is.... the stuff I am discovering about myself is that I am well.... very DIFFERENT from many people I know.

I see things differently than I used to see them. I have been figuring out a little more of who I want to be and what I want my life to look like. The things I want will rock the boat. My opinions are different than most of our society. 5 years ago the things I believe and want to do would have surprised ME!

So I guess I haven't been ready to put it all out there yet.

I guess the thing is though... I don't want this to be the "here are my pretty pictures blog." This is ME and MY BLOG. I think it's kinda pathetic that I am scared to say what I want to say on my own blog. Seriously! Get a back bone WOMAN! How can you make a difference if you walk afraid.

SOOOOO... I have made a decision. There will be less censoring on this blog. Please! If you don't like it don't feel the need to comment. Just don't come back. It won't hurt my feelings. Trust me... there are lots of blogs I don't read. They just aren't my thing.

This will be a great opportunity for me to GET REAL and stop being such a freakish WIMP!
:0) Angel

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Angel,

Just wanted to share...I'm a blogger "lurker" that went to UMHB with you and ran across your blog from the alumni site! I love the updates and love to see how the girls are growing! I can't wait for you to share more...we need more people with views that will rock this earth and our hearts!!
Thanks for being who you are!
Debra Creel Class of 2000

Kerry said...

I did this very post a couple months ago. I am less censored, but still could get more of a backbone a lot of the time. Sometimes I sit down to write about something and I just don't. Don't want to hear anyone's opinions about it. Do't want to have to explain myself. I need to quit being a wimp.

Powell Adoption said...

Post away Angel. I have loved seeing how God has been growing you and how he keeps pushing you out of your comfort zone. Don 't back down, you have know idea who might be challenged or changed by the things going on in your life and heart. When ever we live outside the box people don't like it. They want you to be comforable just like them and different ideas and thoughts are scary. Do't be intimidated, keep you faith! I read enough feel good blogs, bring on the real stuff!
Laura

Jane said...

De-lurking here...I can't remember how I found you - one of the Guate-mamas for sure.
What keeps me coming back here is your energy - and what's that French phrase? Joie de vivre! (I had to Google it!) You and your family seem to really enjoy life and each other.
Can't wait to read more...

Lou said...

Angel,
Let us have it!!!! The reason I continue to read your blog is your spirit and spunk...I know if we lived closer we would be fantastic friends....I can just TELL that about you. I often refrain from saying certain things on my blog. Today I actually deleted a post...I think at times we all need to get a back bone!!! It isn't just you!!!! I am ready to see more Angel. Those that don't like it can just go elsewhere!

love to you!

Heather said...

Angel,

I have followed your blog for a while, but never posted. And I'm not sure how I found your site - you know how it is when you start linking from site to site! :) But I just wanted to let you know that this is YOUR BLOG! Say what you want and don't worry about anyone else. I for one have enjoyed your honesty, your spunk and your spiritual insights. Thank you so much for sharing.

May God bless you all!
~Heather

ale said...

Hi Angel,

I often check your blog (I think i left a comment once or twice). I found it through other adoption blogs and kept reading because your story seemed different. I'm Guatemalan and my work has often involved working with girls of Zoe's age, so I liked following up on your story. I don't know her particular story, of course, but I've worked long enough in educational and health projects in different parts of Guate to imagine more or less what her life would be like back home.

I think you're right in respecting her story, and I also understand your self-censorship. I think many bloggers do it when they're writing personal stuff (I wrote about it in my blog in Spanish a few months ago, too). I suppose it is a bad sign when everyone agrees with you :) you don't want to preach to the choir, right? You can always chose not to publish comments that don't offer anything but abuse. On the other hand, or at least in my experience, reading constructive criticism or simply differing opinions has helped me improve the way I articulate my ideas, and also strengthen certain convictions.

Anyway, hope you keep writing your heart, I must confess that I wasn't checking as often because as much as I like watching pics, I first got hooked on your story because of the story itself.

Best,
Alejandra

Julie said...

Bring it on! I always enjoy listening to what you have to say!! Who cares if people agree? Life wouldn't be interesting unless people had opinions about SOMETHING!! :)