Friday, February 23, 2007

The hardest lesson we learn



This song is about the hardest lesson we learn- if we ever allow ourselves to learn it.

Most of us reject it and are angry at God for wanting us to learn it at all.

This is what God started to teach me through this process of adoption. I know so many of you out there have gone light years beyond me in learning what this song means. I know some of you are in the middle of loss and pain. I know some of you are waiting for children. I know some of you wonder if they will ever make it home. I know some of you have lost children, waited for years, lost parents, been through divorce.

You read my blog with feelings of hope for the future and despair for where you are. I know this because I sat where you sit a year ago. My heart was breaking everyday. God was asking me to give him my daughter- to trust that He was in control. I couldn't let go and surrender my heart and circumstances to God. I was failing. I frantically searched my online support group looking for something besides God to cling to...calculating time lines and hoping against hope.

I had such trouble learning this spiritual law.

It doesn't matter where we are. It matters where we are looking.

God cares infinitely more about the condition of our hearts than the comfort of our circumstances.

Like a loving surgeon he will allow us to go through painful surgery after painful surgery to help us become who we are supposed to be. It is beyond difficult. Much of last year I was having a spiritual temper tantrum.

Looking back- I am so grateful for what I learned. I only wish I had done it sooner. I chose to have a miserable year. I let myself be ruled by my fear and anger. It took me about 9 months of that torturous year to finally let it go and begin to focus on what God had for me instead of what I wanted right now. It took me nine months to begin to TRUST Him.

Not just have faith. I always had faith that God could do it. I didn't TRUST Him to be in control- to run things- to take the steering wheel. When I did it there was such freedom... and peace. I am just starting to recover from the pain of my rebellion and anger.

I pray for all of you that you do it differently than I did. That you learn the value of being "held." You are in my heart today. As I write this tears are literally streaming down my cheeks because I feel it. I feel the struggle. I feel the pain as you watch this video. My heart is with you. Open your hands. Love, Angel

13 comments:

Lou- Http:\\waitingforannepearce.blogspot.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lou- Http:\\waitingforannepearce.blogspot.com said...

Angel,
I love you!
This is just what I needed. I'm still sobbing, but I can feel Jesus holding me now.

God bless you, for he has surely blessed me by having you in my life!

Lou- Http:\\waitingforannepearce.blogspot.com said...

Angel,
I love you!
This is just what I needed. I'm still sobbing, but I can feel Jesus holding me now.

God bless you, for he has surely blessed me by having you in my life!

The McKenzie Crew said...

You are my dear friend and sister - YES you can come to my house - for as long as you want - it will be a ZOO and I love ZOOS!!!!!
Not too early for us - we will be HONORED to have your clan in our home:):)

Julia:)

REBECCA said...

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH !!!! I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS WITH PAIN JUST THINK I LOST OUR GRANDPARENTS AND MY FATHER ALL IN A FEW MONTHS OF ONE ANOTHER IN ONE YEARS TIME AND IT HAS CAUSED ME SO MUCH PAIN TO THIS DAY. I DO WHAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO AND JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF AND JUST TRY AND DEAL WITH IT!!! NOT GOOD I KNOW BUT I AM GETTING BETTER AND I THINK I WILL BE PLAYING THIS VIDO OFTEN!!!! TAKE CARE AND DON'T FORGET YOUR LESS THAN AN HOUR AWAY AND WE NEED TO GET THE KIDS TOGETHER.

Crystal said...

This song I listened to over and over again before we adopted and then after it speaks volumes to me --just volumes!!! OUr God is amazing he held me throughout this entire year and is holding me now while we are trying to make a decision his grace brings me to tears and I am so in awe of our lord Jesus Christ!!!

Crystal said...

This song I listened to over and over again before we adopted and then after it speaks volumes to me --just volumes!!! OUr God is amazing he held me throughout this entire year and is holding me now while we are trying to make a decision his grace brings me to tears and I am so in awe of our lord Jesus Christ!!!

Andrea said...

Wow- this could not have come at a better time. I love what you mean by having faith vs. trusting Him. I need to trust Him MORE! Especially now, in the face of everything going on in Guatemala. I need to trust.

Thank you, Angel!

A Special Family said...

Thank you!

Ellie Puls said...

Oh Angel... You are an Angel..

I wish I could have the strength that you have... I still have to let go of something that happened over 2 years ago... I know in my heart, that he is holding me, but in my mind I have rejected it, because I don't like what he took away from me. We never understand why, but in due time, he will let us know. I firmly believe he has given me my Angel, here on earth and one that walks beside me in spirit.

Now I am going to go get some kleenex, give Angelena is kiss, and go to bed, and have an Angel dream.

Thank you for posting this...

HUGS

dac_cincy said...

Angel,

I am wondering if you could contact me directly. I am struggling so much right now and I would like to talk to you privately rather than out her publicly.
My basic timeline:
referral: 03/27/2006
entered PGN: 09/21/2006
KO: 12/13/2006
still not back in

Angel said...

dac_cincy PLEASE WRITE ME ANYTIME!!! My email is angelweir@gmail.com I would love to help however I can. Hugs! Angel

Anonymous said...

I always had faith that God could do it. I didn't TRUST Him to be in control- to run things- to take the steering wheel. When I did it there was such freedom... and peace. - How did you finally allow this to happen. I am struggling with this. I want to give Him control but I don't know how. I mean really don't know how. I pray for guidance (with our RAD child)but then don't know how to just let go. I struggle with knowing what is giving up control versus just giving up. I appreciate any suggestions you have. I want the peace that you know!