This song is about the hardest lesson we learn- if we ever allow ourselves to learn it.
Most of us reject it and are angry at God for wanting us to learn it at all.
This is what God started to teach me through this process of adoption. I know so many of you out there have gone light years beyond me in learning what this song means. I know some of you are in the middle of loss and pain. I know some of you are waiting for children. I know some of you wonder if they will ever make it home. I know some of you have lost children, waited for years, lost parents, been through divorce.
You read my blog with feelings of hope for the future and despair for where you are. I know this because I sat where you sit a year ago. My heart was breaking everyday. God was asking me to give him my daughter- to trust that He was in control. I couldn't let go and surrender my heart and circumstances to God. I was failing. I frantically searched my online support group looking for something besides God to cling to...calculating time lines and hoping against hope.
I had such trouble learning this spiritual law.
It doesn't matter where we are. It matters where we are looking.
God cares infinitely more about the condition of our hearts than the comfort of our circumstances.
Like a loving surgeon he will allow us to go through painful surgery after painful surgery to help us become who we are supposed to be. It is beyond difficult. Much of last year I was having a spiritual temper tantrum.
Looking back- I am so grateful for what I learned. I only wish I had done it sooner. I chose to have a miserable year. I let myself be ruled by my fear and anger. It took me about 9 months of that torturous year to finally let it go and begin to focus on what God had for me instead of what I wanted right now. It took me nine months to begin to TRUST Him.
Not just have faith. I always had faith that God could do it. I didn't TRUST Him to be in control- to run things- to take the steering wheel. When I did it there was such freedom... and peace. I am just starting to recover from the pain of my rebellion and anger.
I pray for all of you that you do it differently than I did. That you learn the value of being "held." You are in my heart today. As I write this tears are literally streaming down my cheeks because I feel it. I feel the struggle. I feel the pain as you watch this video. My heart is with you. Open your hands. Love, Angel