Friday, February 17, 2017

My Top Ten- Advice For New Expats (Bangkok or wherever :)

#10- Remember You Aren't Stupid 


I don't think I have EVER felt as stupid as I did when I first moved to Bangkok! In Texas I was independent, strong, efficient and pretty durn capable. I was a world traveler. I had lived out of country more than once. I could handle this... I thought. 

Then I moved here and

I could not speak the language.  
I could not drive. 
I could not figure out where to go. 
I could not find food we like to eat. 
I could not make my kids feel safe. 
I could not calm my own anxiety. 
I could not find things we needed. 
I could not understand the culture. 
I could not be myself. 

I couldn't even use a traditional bathroom. 

Nope! Not an expert at this! 


If you get desperate look for a sign like this... 



Inside will probably be a sign like this..
I basically felt deeply and utterly STUPID. 

If you're moving to Bangkok or anywhere vastly different from your home I encourage you to realize that we all feel stupid when we place ourselves in a culture so vastly different from our own. My tools in this amazing and wonderful city just weren't there. 

I don't think that's a bad thing. On the contrary I see it as a gift. I think that it's when we are put in these intense situations that we grow and gain new tools. Those tools will serve us the rest of our lives. 

When you come into a world so different from your own and you learn to navigate it in a respectful and loving manner you change. Suddenly things that used to sound so scary are NOT a big deal. Things that used to have you tied in knots are no longer an issue. 

You've become stronger than you thought you could be. 

When you get here you'll probably feel incredibly stupid and overwhelmed but that's only step one in what is most likely one of the most intensive learning processes you'll ever encounter. 

So just hang in there and remember.. you're not stupid. It just FEEEEELS that way. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Top Ten Challenges Of Being An Expat In Bangkok #10

Nobody stays here... nobody... well almost nobody. 

We live in a beautiful, amazing expat neighborhood and our kids attend outstanding international schools. 

That's an amazing thing. A wonderful experience. But this is what it means. 

NOBODY. EVER. STAYS. 

I grew up an army brat so I DEFINITELY get moving and goodbyes but I'm gonna say this is a different level. When I was an army brat everyone was on rotations that were typically 3 yrs. When you met someone you all immediately put out there when you were leaving so you knew how long you had together. Growing up a military kid I was more than happy to quit moving when the time came. Army life wasn't always easy though it offered many rewards. 

I think here is even harder in this particular way. 

Life here is a series of hellos and goodbyes. 

Bangkok is FULL of expats. There are military and embassy here but there are MANY private companies as well. Most of the people from private companies have very little to no clue how long they'll be here or where they'll get sent next. 

They might be here 6 months. They might be here 6 years. They don't know. You don't know. 

Every 6 months in summer and at Christmas there's a massive movement of people leaving and arriving. 

You welcome the new ones and wonder how long you'll get to be friends. 

You say goodbye to people you just started to bond with and wonder if and when you'll ever see them again. 

Two of my closest friends here are scheduled to leave this summer. 

This week one of my kids had some friends over and it hit me that the majority of the group was leaving this summer. 

One of mine has a favorite teacher leaving and maybe the second favorite as well. 

Let's not talk about how many friends we've already had leave. 

It's February. As May approaches we will find out more and more about who is leaving. 

When those of us who don't get moved come back from our various world travels in August for school to start there will be a group of new arrivals flooding in. Most of them will be overwhelmed, nervous, homesick and stressed just like we were when we showed up here glassy eyed and lost. So the veteran moms will all pitch in and do whatever we can to help them feel safe and happy here the way someone helped us. 

We know how it feels to be new. So we will invite them and support them. We will bond with them over expat life in Asia and assure them they'll be fine and happy just like we are now. 

Then we will probably have to leave them. 

Ugh. 

Suddenly today I had this wave of homesickness hit me and I couldn't place why at first. I have been doing way better on that front lately. Then suddenly I realized what my brain was doing. I just wanted my normal. I wanted to escape all the goodbyes looming ahead. 

I mean sure people always move and things always change but this is rapid pace emotional upheaval every 6 months. 

I can say that it is well worth the sadness to meet people who have lived in and seen the entire world. It's a remarkable blessing to stretch and grow and know people from every corner of this Earth. It's a marvelous lesson to learn to love someone even though you may only have a little while. I know that these experiences and relationships change the fabric of who we are in a wonderful way. 

I'm so grateful for what we are all experiencing even though it means a constant goodbye. 

Friday, January 27, 2017

Top Ten Things I Love About Expat Life In Bangkok #9 ASIA. IS. AMAZING.

Whether it's an unbelievable city skyline that never ends, roaming elephants, amazing waterways, ancient ruins or just your average tropical paradise... Thailand has it and Asia in general has it times a gazillion or so. 


Before we came to Bangkok I didn't begin to realize the creativity and beauty I would encounter from the buildings and places the remarkable people of Asia have fashioned. Sometimes as Westerners we can delude ourselves into thinking we've cornered the market on amazing man made locations. Not so my friends. 


Thai malls blow ours out of the water in terms of beauty and elegance. 


The Bangkok aquarium is out of this world. Never seen one to rival it. 


I've been to hotels here that put Disney top of the line resorts to shame. 


Now don't even get me STARTED on the remarkable natural beauty. 


It's breathtaking... 


And the sounds... 
video




Just stop. 


And the trees... 


And the water... 


And the animals... 


And the feeling that you've stepped into another world.


I really do love you Thailand, just the way you are.. 


Thursday, January 26, 2017

Top Ten Things I Love About Expat Life in Bangkok - #10

I could go real deep with ya here or we could get real. It's me so it's all about the real. COME OOOOOOON!!! Obviously the first thing I'm gonna say is THE MASSAGES! 


Cause SERIOUSLY! Amazing massages for an amazing price ANY TIME WE WANT is craaaaaaazy awesome. On demand, inexpensive massages make up for a whole lotta hard and stressful. 

Couldn't understand anything today? 
Get a massage! 

Possibly a giant lizard in your ceiling? 
WHATEVER! Get a massage and you'll forget about that creepy shuffling. 

Can't go anywhere cause driving is terrifying for you? 
Doesn't even matter cause you can get a MASSSSSSAGE right HERE!  

You see how this works? Massage makes 89.7% of everything in life better. 

Go ahead and add onto that facials, manicures, pedicures, false eyelashes, any kind of hired help for amazing prices and it can be easy to get spoiled rotten. 

Basically, when I go back to Texas to visit I now feel a deep massage void. Ha! Thailand life is good in the pampering realm! 

And all the expats in Asia said, "AMEN!" 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

My Alternate Reality Identity Crisis

Since my last post I've been back to visit Texas not once, but twice. Going back and forth has been so positive for me but also surreal. For me it still didn't make Thailand seem like a new normal or home. 


My life when I am in Texas and when I'm here are so vastly different it's hard to describe. 

In Texas I am one person. 

In Thailand I am another. 

For the kids they have school and activities. Russ has his job. They've found new normal I THINK. 

Me?? I still have my momming. :-) Yet, that looks nothing like what momming looked like before. 

This isn't necessarily a BAD thing. I think it has some very positive outcomes. It's a stretching and growing life experience. 

Looking back I believe this was a large part of my challenge in adjusting to Thailand life. 

I went from homeschooling 4 kids, incredibly busy, self sufficient, surrounded by friends and family, our house as a social center of activity, knowing all my neighbors, deeply involved in my amazing church, constantly traveling, adoption advocate, consistently connected with people I loved, free spirit, low scheduled, night owl, grain free, organic, dating my hotty hubby on a weekly basis, shopping for bargains and loving life girlie to... 

All 4 kids in school full time, very little I felt purposeful in doing, not knowing HOW to do ANYTHING, friends and family 24 hrs of travel and thousands of dollars away, unable to handle hosting many social gatherings and not knowing that many people, not knowing my neighbors and then getting to know them and them all moving, not having our church, still traveling but trying to stuff it into school schedules and it being places I feel much more clueless about, only talking about adoption when people reach out on Facebook, feeling excruciatingly disconnected from people I love due to the 12-15 hr time difference, very little room for freedom, highly scheduled, forced to switch to an extremely early schedule with everyone out of the house by 7am due to cultural norms with schools, caving to eating grains and sugars that mess me up badly because I didn't know what to eat and my foods were no longer available, dates with my hotty husband became few and far between because they require a driver and going downtown and leaving the kids alone in a foreign country, shopping meant realizing I couldn't fit into anything in Thailand since a size 6 is LARGE especially once I gained 17 pounds from said grain... 

This new identity isn't something I chose. It's something that chose me.

My circumstances here are so vastly different that aspects of my personality just, frankly, don't fit here. 

I have been forced to become different to thrive here. I have to be tougher. I have to be calmer. I have to move slower. I have to keep my mouth shut more. I have to keep my mind open. I must dress differently. Eating what I want isn't an option. My schedule is different. My activities.. really almost everything about my life... is altered.

The only thing the same about me here is the core of who I am. My character and belief systems and who I am quietly inside. 

I have had to change. I've had to accept that my role here is different in this season and that it's ok. 

I have had to accept that for ME there is, in fact, no new normal. 

For me Thailand is an alternate reality. I go to Texas and I step right back into my other Angel. I come back here and Thailand Angel settles in for the ride. I am forced to leave parts of my personality in Texas that just don't function here. 

Adjusting to Thailand has been one of the greatest challenges of my life and I believe it has made me better. Someday I will go back to being Texas Angel. Thailand Angel will be a part of my memories. But I have no doubt that this will be a time I will look back on with  sincere affection. I believe Thailand will become a period of time that shapes me. I pray that this Thailand Angel becomes a part of the Texas me and I'm better and stronger than I wanted to be. 

This alternate reality, this identity crisis is a challenging gift but one I'm grateful to receive. 

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

There's No New Normal

Year one in Bangkok is almost drawing to a close. A year has gone by and I've hardly written any of it down here. I have meant to do it. I have had time. I just haven't. 


For me, these days, this space is a space for the bigger picture and what I'm learning I guess. It's supposed to be more than just the what we did today. And the truth is... I'm only just now getting any grasp on the big picture. The truth is I have had no words for this yet. 

Our Thailand move has been so completely all over the map for us emotionally. It's near impossible to even put into words the profound impact it's had on each of us. 

Some of that impact has been blow your mind amazing. Some of it has been complete heartbreak. ALL of it has been drastic adjustment. Some of it has been opportunities beyond our imaginations.  A lot of it has been a feeling of isolation and being very, very far away from everything that feels safe to us. 

It's been highs we never could have hoped for and lows we couldn't know how to prepare for all in one year. 

There has been hardly a week of this year that has been in any way our normal. 

I have been waiting for our new normal. From the moment we moved here I have been working for it... striving for it even. Schedules and counseling the kids and getting us settled and planning and trying so hard to learn and figure this life out. 

And waiting. And waiting. And I would have a day or week or even three where it started to feel "normal" and then WHAMMO! 4 kids and 2 parents in a new land would strike again and NOT NORMAL!

I'd feel myself start to slip and crater. The first 6 months I did more cratering than I like to admit. And then I would tell myself to be patient and that normal would come. 

There have been so many moments of happiness and elation and amazement and gratitude this year. I would fly so high. And then the hard would hit and it was a different kind of hard. It was a hard so foreign to me. My village was across the world in an opposite time zone and I had no context for how to even begin to approach this new hard.  

And there was the guilt. "This life is amazing! I have NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT! My life is the life people dream about. It's a life I've dreamed about! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be ok? Why is this so hard? Why can't I just feel happy? I'm such a wimp. This is ridiculous. Just ADJUST ALREADY." 

I was striving for peace... Feeling stressed about feeling stressed... Reaching for calm and straining for normal. 

And now as this first year comes to a close I think I may finally have something to say. 

In some seasons of our life I think our "new normal" is that THERE IS NO NORMAL. 

I think that in those seasons the stress about feeling stressed and the need to feel normal can be exceedingly worse than the stress itself. 

I've decided I'm not waiting for my new normal anymore. I truly don't know when it'll ever be back.. or if it will. I think I'm trying to accept that I don't have to have normal to be happy. I am working on embracing that a sense of normal isn't a requirement to be content. 

Today even... Today I was having a very good day. It was completely my new normal. Then I had several separate issues arise that would probably, ok definitely, have sent me hiding in my room crying last year. These are "I don't live in my country and so everything is harder" issues. As they arose I could feel my frustration try to sneak out. I could feel the thoughts start to spin... 

"OH MY WORD! When is it ever going to just be ok? When are my kids going to be ok? When will I know what to do? When will I know how to DO THIS? When will it feel safe or normal again?" 

And then I thought...

"It's ok. It's not my job to find normal. It's not my job to be ok. I can't make anyone else ok. It's not my job to make my kids be ok. It's my job to love and grow. We are all loving. We are all growing. This is exactly what it's supposed to be.. It's not supposed to be normal. My life is not supposed to be normal right now. There is no new normal." 

And I could feel the anxiety drain out of me. I could feel my joy come back. I don't have to be ok. I don't have to feel normal. We don't have to have it under control. And somehow that makes it easier. For us there is no new normal and that's right where we are supposed to be. 



Monday, August 31, 2015

Fishy rice


I was told when we moved here that there would be super high times...

...and some big lows at first and then there would be a period where you are not impressed AT ALL. I was told this was pretty much the given for most people. And then after that it starts to become the new normal and you begin the real settling in.

Or something like that. For anyone who's been through this I'd be fascinated to know how it was for you. 

Oh there have been highs! The HIGHEST! 

And OHHHHH there have been lows!! 

Like the water cooler bursting into flames in your kitchen kind of lows. 

Soooooooo anyway, now I think I hit that next phase full force. Not the normal time. (I hope that's coming quickly) 

I think I hit the not impressed part. I think I'm in the middle of it. I know in my head that I will adjust to this culture shock and it'll be awesome cause I REALLY DO love it here but Saturday I took a bite of steamed rice and it tasted like bad smelly fish and it made me want to get on a plane to Texas in a way that isn't at all rational. Every since that single bite of fishy rice I've been unimpressed. I'm tired of fishy rice.. I'm EXHAUSTED OF FISHY RICE! 


This is metaphorical people. Work with me. 

My soul aches for something to feel normal. 


My sweet "Team Thailand" partner, Rachel, sensed a disturbance in the force and text to ask how I was feeling. And I answered... 

"BLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. Nothing feels real or normal. It's all too hard or too weird or too amazing to be right." 

You know when a picture has been altered so much that it doesn't look real and even if it's pretty you can't stand to look at it? Cause your mind screams, "FAKE! ALTERED! NOT NORMAL!!!"


That's what life feels like to me now. Nothing feels average. Nothing makes sense. I know it will. I know that one day seaweed snacks and Halls cough drops as movie snacks won't phase me. 



I know I'll find restaurants where I don't gag on the fishy steamed rice. I know someday I won't physically ache from feeling so far from almost everyone I love. 

Life here is unbelievable. Amazing. Out of this world. And all the normal has been sucked right out for now. 


So I think I will have to find a new normal in my new technicolor world. 


I'll let you know how that goes. 

Love always, Angel 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Grace Of Time

I'm not a patient person by nature. I'm a go getter. A get things doner. ;) I like efficiency. I like to be early. I like a plan. I look at things and I see how they could work. I typically have a plan a, plan b and plan c. I research. I process. I ponder. 


Don't mistake this for me being a busy body. A lot of my getting things done looks like thinking, writing, talking.... So I might be holed up in my house but it's happening. Oh.. It's happening. 

I'm good at the action. There's something I am not good at though. Waiting. Holding steady. Giving people space to breath. 

Let me clarify. I'm not bad at waiting in general. If my friend is 20 minutes late I'm usually just gonna read or scan Facebook. I don't have trouble with that kind of patience. 

It's a spiritual kind of patience. Sometimes I see a struggle. I see it in my kids or in other people I love dearly. Often I see it in myself. I see hurt and stress and pain and a not knowing what to do and it is HARD FOR ME. 

I want to make a plan of action. I want to help them or myself get better efficiently. I want everything orderly and restored and I see of vision of what it could be or should be or I wish it was. 

One day I was explaining this to my mom. I was trying to muddle through what my stuggle is exactly. And then she said to me, 

"It sounds like you are learning to give people the grace of time." 

And I was like... "Yeah. I think that's right. I don't know how to do that." 

Over the last weeks and months things have come up over and over. I will see an area I am struggling. I will be impatient with myself and then think, "I am learning to give myself the grace of time." 

I will have a conflict or stressful time and want it to be fixed but there's nothing I can do and then I hear, "I am learning to give the grace of time." 

I will have a CLEAR vision of what could be or might be and know that it isn't time and hear, "I am learning to give the grace of time." 

Love is patient and so I must be patient even when that means standing down. 

I love helping and fixing and talking and listening but sometimes none of those work. Sometimes backing up and pausing isn't neglect. 

I realized that I have made the mistake of sometimes thinking that if I didn't DO SOMETHING I was not being loving. The reality is that sometimes pausing and giving someone else or ourselves the grace of time is the most loving thing we can do. 

Sometimes we need room to breath and struggle and not know what to do. Sometimes we need space to not be ok, to learn and to grow. 

So I'm working on it. I'm trying to learn this. I'm learning to love myself and others enough to give that kind of grace and while it's not easy for me it feels like a beautiful gift. 

Saturday, August 15, 2015

There's a mess in the kitchen

At our new parent orientation at ISB they said that one of the things we will experience in this stage of our adjustment is that things that would typically feel like very small issues or challenges in our home countries will feel impossible or enormous for awhile. They also said to expect the feeling that you've lost your identity. Both of these statements hit home in a major way for me. I feel it almost every single day. 

I've lost my independence in many ways. I'm very dependent on others to get anywhere and get almost anything done. Things that I used to do without a thought are now a major ordeal. I love freedom and doing spontaneous things on my own. That part of who I am is on pause in many ways. That wears on me a bit. I don't like that part. 

My heart has just settled down from Russ and I making our first attempt driving out the main gate and onto a main road... Bicycles, cars, pedestrians.. OH MY! 

I realized on that little excursion that I won't be driving more than a mile from our neighborhood any time soon and it kinda stings. He did great and was chill. I was a nervous wreck.

Me just getting in the car to drive.. which I've been known to do all the way from Texas to California or Florida... That's gone for a long time. 

Every single day we encounter multiple, multiple, multiple things that at home would be simple but here feel impossible. We are jumping through what feels like hoops of fire to me that at home would have been a match stick. 

I like to keep my mind and heart and Facebook and blog mostly positive because I have everything to be joyful about and little to complain about but I want to be clear... This is NOT a cakewalk. 

My blog and Facebook page often show what's served at the table. Sometimes the mess in the kitchen isn't worth dwelling on. Sometimes the mess isn't mine to share. 

Just know that dishes this elaborate never get served without a crazy mess and a lot of work happening in the background. 

So far I've been crazy busy or nearly collapsed from the time we found out we were moving till now minus a few sacred and rare vacation moments. I'm crazy grateful for the result but it's not without intense focus and work and times I'm hiding under a blanket. 

It isn't in any way easy and I am not COMPLAINING about the hard. I'm rather observing it as a part of this experience. I'm not asking for advice. I'm not breaking down. I'm just being real cause there's one part of my identity I don't have to lose here although sometimes it's tempting cause I don't want everyone all worried. Hard isn't bad. It's just HARD. 

Anyone you know who's moved overseas... It's hard. They probably need that vacation or the massage because it's really hard to change your whole life in one swoop. A few months ago I was an extremely do it myself independent homeschooling Texas girl loving life in the suburbs. Today I am an expat mom of four full time private schoolers in the middle of a massive city I can't even begin to describe to you and I can not drive or talk. It's not bad. It's good but it's not ever easy. Word on the street is that it does get easier at some point. 

So there's the real deal. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

I didn't want to go.

That's my confession. When we were first asked if we were willing to come to Bangkok, Thailand my gut reaction was NO WAY. In my mind Bangkok was a dirty, scary place in documentaries about trafficking and movies about idiots doing stupid stuff during bachelor parties. 

I am sorry to say I knew nothing else about it. I didn't know about the schools or the neighborhood or anything good. I didn't have any clue about the amazing culture or precious people or amazing sights. I knew it was across the world. I knew almost only bad things about it to be honest. I was scared. I was so happy where we were. I wanted to just say no... Really badly... But I knew that would be wrong. 


Anytime I feel fear like that.. The paralyzing run away kind that makes me want to plug my ears and sing loudly I know I need to stop, drop and pray. And I did. And Russ did. And I told Russ... Just find out if it's safe. And we read about it and asked people about it and watched documentaries about it and we found out it was safe for our family and that apparently people loved it. That's what we knew. 

THAT'S ALL WE KNEW. 

We didn't know where we'd live. We didn't know how we'd educate the kids. We had never visited. We didn't know what they ate. We didn't know how to say even one word. Nothing. 

It wasn't until about 6 wks before move that we even knew anything at all. It wasn't until we lived here that we knew most of it. 

The fear was tempting for me on this one. I wanted to run... Badly. I had every reason to run. It was scary. 

I chose love and power and a sound mind this time. I pray I always will. I'm learning that so much of having faith is tied up in having love. I'm learning that everything is about having love. 

I guess what I'm saying is I look around me and know that I could have missed all this. Yes, I would have missed out on the stress and could have avoided the fear.. but I also would have missed the absolutely amazing moments and the growing and miracles happening around me every moment. Miracles don't come easy. They are most often stretching and painful. 

I guess what I'm getting at is this... If something terrifying comes to you and you want to run... Don't. Use love and power and a sound mind. If you walk away in that way then good for you. I just hope you won't run. Cause when we are afraid it can make us run from the best thing that could ever happen to us. 

And every time you see my pictures of this amazing place know that I'm imperfect. That I could have missed it. Know that it's sometimes overwhelming. That I cry and miss people I love and Trader Joe's and easy but that I'm so crazy grateful I chose love. 

Not running. 

Love always, 
Angel 

ps The quote photo in this post is from one of my favorite books in the history of ever.. "Keep Your Love On." It's like how to be successful and awesome at relationships in a nutshell. I hope and pray the whole world reads it and lives and loves by it. :)